I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for a while and I’ve gone through so many different mental drafts. If you’ve been following the decline of my posting over the last year I’m guessing that you have concluded that I have been going through some things. And now I’m stuck. What to write next has stumped me entirely. I just don’t know what to say, so I think I’ll just tell it like it is.
This year I found myself in a situation in which I was not happy with my living situation, this then lead to a resurgence of an extreme case of anxiety and depression and left me depleted and feeling awful for about five months, knowing that my environment was making me ill but unable to get out of it. BUT. This week I finished my final exam and this year’s term officially ended. Yesterday I flew back home and for the first time in months I am starting to feel a little relaxed.
So here’s what I’ve been thinking about; I really didn’t know the angle I should take on writing this post. Of course I could write a long “Urgh that was horrible!” post in detail of what a horrific time I’ve had, but that seemed too childish and not very conducive to healing. For a while I toyed with the idea of writing a warts and all post about my history with mental illness and fighting through depression. For a long time, actually. What changed my mind is I really don’t think people should have to ‘come out’ with depression. My hope is that in future it will be a fully accepted part of life to live with facets of life being affected by mental health and I think by writing a “hey everyone, this is how my brain works, aren’t I unusual?” post I am only contributing to the mind set that is holding that back. And so I’m not going to write that. I’m not going to record that last few months of life, or comment upon it unless it is helpful to me getting better.
Instead I am going to write about how excited I am right now. It’s true I don’t feel too wonderful right now; after five months of blankness I feel sort of conditioned to feel nothing, but there is a tiny firefly of excitement in me. I am finally in a position where I can grow into the space I lost when I depleted. I can heal a little bit. I can run. I can make things. I can blog. I can do things which won’t make me sad and then I can progress onto things which will make me happy. That’s a good feeling. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to feel energised again but I’m feeling positive about the idea.